It’s a weird feeling when you are at a place you know you don’t
belong. You try to fit in, try to blend in, you scan the crowd to spot
a familiar face and your gaze lingers over few that you do recognize, but
they don’t reconise you, so why make a fool by going over and saying
hi. You try to stand next to a group so that for the onlookers sake it
might appear that you are not all by yourself… it’s a weird feeling;
not because people are staring at you (or so you imagine), but because
you know it yourself that this is one place where you are not supposed
In the Old Testament, God asked the people of Israel to set aside three
cities for themselves. Cities where people can go to when a person has committed accidental crime (you know like me accidentally running you over with my car) can stay so that the victim’s family doesn’t try to harm the guilty person out of
vengeance. (Deuteronomy 19)
It sounded pretty lame to me when I read this part some
time back… why not just talk it out? Why do the guilty, who committed
the crime purely my accident (according to the example = me), need to
live a separate life?
I have this phase, which I go through more often than not (which I am
going through right now), where I want to be left alone. The
familiarity of my existence starts to bite. My phone becomes my
biggest enemy… every call or text pokes me like needles. The mundane
routine makes me gag. Come to think of it, I wouldn’t really mind
taking up the “Commit-a-crime-and-avail-once-in-a-lifetime-exile”
offer right now.
I used to earlier think that the reason I feel like this is because I
am losing my mind, slowly and slowly, but losing it for sure. But I
recently came to know that my friend is going through the same thing.
(Yipee! I am not crazy. I am not crazy. Oh wait! What if both of us
are crazy? Uh-oh) He has given his phone to his sister and whenever
anyone calls she is to say, ‘He is busy’. He is not hanging out that
much and right now, the only thing common between the two of us is our
relentless urge to not leave our caves.
It is also during this time, that the God’s command for the three
separate cities is making sense to me. When surrounded by voices that drown
your very own, how is man (or woman) supposed to hear God’s whispers?
I haven’t committed a crime, (well, I haven’t run down anyone, but I
sure have gotten impatient and angry quite often — sins akin to ‘murder’ according to the Bible) and though I tried to walk the line, it wasn’t happening. And I was just getting
frustrated with every passing day.
Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar
on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk
and not grow faint. (Isaiah 40:31)
So I am taking a break. Break from appointments that I used to look
forward to, friends whom I love (and will continue to love forever),
and breaking habits that are nothing but chains that I want to get rid
of right now. I know some are going to get hurt by my decision. At the risk of
sounding blunt, it is not about them, it is about me and my God. I
need to leave; I need to go on my exile for I have made time for
everything in my life, but the one who gave me this life. The only
beauty people see in my is the one I got on loan from HIM and when I
can no longer connect to God, how can I even try to connect with
people around me?
So I am slowing down; slowing down to speed up. I am still in that
phase (ooooh *scary voice sound track*) but I will get out of it. And
when I do, I will be ready to walk and run with you, because then I
will not grow weary or faint.
Of this I have full assurance. So hang in there for just a little
while and let me put my hope in the LORD.