Sometime back when we were having one those “family-that-eats-together-stays-together” outings at a club nearby, my dad said, “You took a long time to adjust when you came to live with us”.
No. I am not adopted and neither did my parents find me on the streets. I am related to them by blood, but I grew up with my grandparents and started living with my parents since the age of 5. So to me kiddy brain, I thought my grandparents were my parents until the transition took place. “You would start crying whenever they (grandparents) would speak to you over the phone; and that went on for quite some time.” Sometimes, people say things without even realising that they just answered a question that has been bothering you forever.
You see, the current city I am living in, I moved here 10+ years ago. And boy did I throw a fit! I was leaving my BEST friends behind and was moving to a city where we knew NO ONE. I was genuinely angry, upset and all those crazy emotions that teenagers experience when they feel their world is coming to an end. That was back when I was 16ish (it happened so long ago, I am not even sure of the year or perhaps, I have a very bad memory), but here’s the thing, I still have crazy dreams — I am with my school friends, playing volleyball etc etc — and basically I wake up feeling not so chirpy. But as my dad said, “I take a long time to adjust”. Well, at least I know now what my problem is 🙂
Isn’t it always good to know why you feel or go through something that leaves you feeling deflated? Like the passengers who have gone missing from the Malaysian Airlines, more than anything, their families just want to know what happened to them – whether they are in heaven or kidnapped or something else – the families “are waiting for answers”.
This is something I can relate with right now because my college results are out. Those of you who have been following my blog:
(a) You might remember this one — https://loverinyourpresence.wordpress.com/2013/11/30/scary-business/ — where I mentioned I am applying to Columbia School of Journalism, New York, and the fact that I am very scared about the outcome.
(b) You have been following my blog??!!! Oh. My. Gosh. Thank you Thank you Thank you
Well, I didn’t get through. Bummer *sad music, preferably from the movie Titanic*
We regret to inform you that your application for admission has been
denied. Your application materials were reviewed with attention and care by
the faculty Admissions Committee. The pool of applicants was exceptionally
competitive and the number of qualified applicants far exceeded the
available places in the class.
Sad sadder saddest. The moment I read the email, I was at work, I rushed to a nearby cafe because I wanted to be alone and most importantly process what I was feeling. So I wrote myself a text message:
“I feel disappointed in myself because I wasn’t good enough to get through Columbia. I am not lying, but I am not angry with God, after all I wanted my dream to be his dream for me. I am not angry Jesus and I don’t hate you at all. I am crying because my dream is shattered. Yes, that’s the word. Shattered. And the damage caused will take sometime to heal. I am not angry, just like David wasn’t when you refused to give him the permission to build a temple for you. You said no, not because he was unworthy or his intentions were impure, but because his dream wasn’t your dream for him.”
(2 Samuel 7)
Though it still hurts, it’s not the end of my life. And my boss, who helped me with my recommendation letter, was super awesome. She sent me an email:
“Aww…. Don’t worry Anisha… God has better things for you in store… and don’t give up… Our job is to keep pursuing our dreams to the best of our abilities… Leave the result in God’s hand. That’s my motto in life… And I am glad you will be with us for longer :)”
Isn’t she a rock star?
So rather than just crying (a lot), I went through links of “people who weren’t accepted by their dream college but are crazy famous now”. Pretty nerdy thing to do, huh?! Haha.
While I am okay being a “college reject”, what I am still struggling with is the “Why”. Why did God make me go through all this, when he knew I was just going to get hurt in the end? And trust me, when I ask God the reason, I am not bitter or disrespectful, just curious. Will keep you posted when I do get the answer for that. Till then, posting a link and a quote from an article which is keeping me floating my stupid stupid emotions threaten to drown me.
If I were to fail for some reason, my only setback would be a bruised ego and the need to start another business. Okay, can I handle that? Yes — I can. Entrepreneur Kelsey Ramsden says, “Turn the light on when the monster is in the room. You’ll find it’s not as scary as you think.”
Every rejection has a silver lining… I am just waiting to find out what it is for me.