This is the story of a woman, who despite her age is still a child at heart. She has gone down the wrong path on a lot of occasions, not because she loved to do the wrong thing but because doing the wrong thing felt right at that moment.
It’s the story of a person who, like the people locked up in hospitals, feels is losing grip on reality. When one lives a life of comforts while millions die for the very thing many take for granted… Reality no longer seems real. Understanding it, in fact, becomes as impossible as getting the Rubik’s Cube right the first time round.
It’s the story of a woman who battles depression, self-doubt and pride on a daily basis. When someone does better or is off to a place where she always wanted to go, she wonders, “Am I not good enough? Are my dreams not worth it?”
But what the outside world sees is never the reflection of what one is really going through. Eyes are the mirror to one’s soul. But do you really think in a world where it’s “me first”, majority of the people have the time to study that mirror?
I was a goner long before the realization struck me; I was lost in a mist which made it hard for me to see. Things wern’t going as planned. I didn’t get into the school I wanted. I was stuck at a place where I was invisible and not many cared to be my friend because I was “irritating, quiet, boring…” Not just the next step, but just the mere action of breathing became difficult.
They ask how it all happened. The person you are now — pretty, confident, smart, and happy, in control (they are not my words at all) — how did the transformation happen? If what you’ve been through is true, then why does it not reflect? Why is it so hard to believe that you battle fears that only a weak and troubled heart can conjure up?
It’s there, it still is. But it only shows in front of the person who can really do something about it – Jesus. In the beginning, I did cry my heart out and I did have hour long conversations when the heart found it too difficult to beat… but when the friends are gone and when the line on the other end is dead, that’s when I truly felt that nothing has changed for I still felt alone.
I have been on the other side and in one word it “sucked”. It sucked without Jesus. I hated my life, myself and wounded beyond repair with the cards my past dealt me. But the burden didn’t feel heavy when Jesus was/is lifting it for me.
Then He came and called me his own. You ask me now why I am so closed and narrow-minded when it comes to being with someone who doesn’t believe in Jesus, why I am anti social and don’t drink, why I don’t give casual dating a chance…
I will not “enjoy my life” and “waste my beauty and youth” and not open myself to the possibility of love especially when he is of different faith. I will live a life sheltered and unexciting. I’ll be anti-social and not drink. No, I’ll continue to be stuck up and not accept that cigarette because I don’t wish to loosen up and enjoy life.
But it’s okay. I am okay. When you’ve lived through hell and when someone gets you back from there, you don’t let go. You never let go of them.
And that’s what I tell myself when the weeds of every day threaten to choke out the… Don’t let go, because He never let go off you. Instead, I let go of the things that take me away from him.