My mum tried to help me out, “Perhaps it’s because you keep looking at the watch so much and because of that you, too, start ticking like one. You wake up and you go about your work, constantly moving, just like that mechanical piece of work.” She said this many years ago and time has only made it clear how true it is.
Time, which I try to hold on to so desperately, seems to slip away faster than I can even finish typing these words. It’s frustrating. I keep looking at the watch because I want it to slow down, there is so much to be done and 1,440 mins a day are not enough. Even though every human being gets the same amount of time, somehow I feel my time is not sufficient for me.
The reason why it’s exasperating is because I have no control over the ticking of this stupid clock. Yes, I can break my watch, but yours or someone else’s in some other city or country will keep ticking. Control is power and though I am an utter failure when it comes to controlling people around me (thank goodness for that, I would not want to be a puppeteer and my friends/family my puppets), I take out my Dhiman-tedness on objects less inanimate. Which means if I am frustrated, there are high chances you might spot me sitting in some corner, cleaning the life out of some poor object or perhaps you might see clothes being flung from my closet on to the bed and back into the closet in a neater stack.
Control, as I said. If I cannot control people, situations, future and the time that never stops running ahead of me, I can certainly try to control the outcome of things directly under me. And it feels good, momentarily. After the effect of the self-prescribed remedy (of organising/cleaning the life out of things) wears off, I am back to square one. I mentioned this to a friend a few days back. I know I am supposed to do this thing, take a leap of faith and that kind of razzmatazz, but I don’t want to fail again! Since I wasn’t born with the superpower of clairvoyance, I hesitate from ‘being the first penguin’ – you know, the first penguin from the pack that has to jump into the water or a territory where there are chances of some unknown danger.
So when I come across the writings of A.W. Tozer, who might have known that the population of people like me is never going to learn, he wrote what I felt was just what I needed and will need forever in this lifetime – God never hurries. There are no deadlines against which he must work. Only to know this is to quiet our spirits and relax our nerves.
To take one day at a time, to learn and know as we go… can be a nightmare if you fall into the control-freak category like me. To quiet our spirits, when getting things done and reaching point A to B not just on time but before time, is what one aims for… it can be difficult. It can be disorienting, more so because the priorities are askew. Life becomes more about striving than enjoying the humble ‘living’ part.
If you know what is going to happen in your life, there will be no adventure for no one will ever take risks. And such a life, though controlled is also a very boring life. And that means I am going to be the first penguin, I don’t want to; but then I don’t want to live a very boring life either.