The ugly side

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It was a conversation I was having with myself. You know one of those activities borne out of boredom and the availability of free time.

 

“What would you want to change about yourself?”

 

It didn’t take long to answer that. My pride, definitely my inflated pride. An unsurprising answer; a fact that I always knew, but never wanted to give a serious consideration. In contrary, this is a revelation that might surprise many, especially if you know me. I get out tricky and unpleasant situations because of my “innocent face”, a face that “looks like an angel, one that can get away even with murder”. This also means that as a child it was my sister who got branded as the “bratty one”, while I was let off the hook easily.

 

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The thing about pride is that it’s the disease of the insides. It doesn’t necessarily need to reach the surface to thrive. It doesn’t need to show, just like it doesn’t show in me.

 

Pride is not borne out of the fact that you are better than others, it’s borne out of the false misconception that you think you are better than the rest. It’s about desiring importance, even when one doesn’t deserve it. And this holds true in my case.

 

My secret dream (no longer a secret now) is to be able to sing in front of a crowd. Why? Because I am in awe of the obsessive adoration despite being fully aware that such an adulation has driven numerous people insane.

 

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When in high school, I would day dream that I was a superhero rescuing the school from evil villains. Those dreams didn’t hurt anyone, but what did was my overall attitude. I was one of the popular girls in the school and being humble was a word that I hadn’t heard of. The silliness had reached such heights that I expected people to drop everything and admire me the moment I would step in a room. I would laugh along with the other bullies as they would make fun of this girl in our class who lagged behind in studies.

 

I was brought back to reality when I moved to the city I am living in. At schools here, nobody cared or gave me a second look; instead they bullied me. It did teach me a lesson… that bad karma sucks.

 

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Pride comes before fall is a verse from the Bible I keep chanting when I feel I am losing my footing. When I imagine that my friend is secretly envious of me (she is not) or that everyone is in awe of me (clearly, I suffer from a mental illness).

 

I feel that my blink-and-you-miss-it role in this life is much more important than the One, who is the reason this movie is being made. That is why one must never go by what they feel. Because if that had been my way of living I would have stoned to death long ago.

  

This is my ugly side, the one that makes me weak, the one that make me cling to Jesus… A weakness that loses it’s essence when I realise and most importantly remember that I am not the centre of the universe… it’s the great I AM (Exodus 3:14).

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