It’s was my first year (freshman) at college, not a happy one though. It wasn’t the college I wanted to study at and the one I did, well, that dream crumbled faster than a house of cards.
For some uncertain reasons, I would reach college two hours early – rather than asking why, one must seriously question my sanity – and since I was depressed and didn’t want to talk to anybody, I would make my way to the prayer room.
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
On the first day as I stepped inside the room, I saw a girl praying on her knees and I felt like I had been stabbed. Apart from asking why, you will surely (101 per cent) end up questioning my sanity after you know the truth about this one.
I felt cheated. I had always assumed that I was very close to God and that I was the only one who loved him the most; I didn’t exactly pray to Jesus, but some supreme entity like Jesus that I had named ‘Joe’ – one that looked very much like Lord Darcia the Third from my all-time favourite anime, Wolf’s Rain. And to see someone fervently praying to the same entity made me angry. You see, at that point in my life I didn’t believe in sharing at all; I loved what was mine and I loved it even more if it remained only mine, forever. So, I felt shortchanged by God and, somewhere down the line, mightily pissed.
This irrational feeling returned when I felt my friends from the US weren’t giving me as much attention I deserved. They were equally friendly with the others which made my blood boil. The motto being: I will love you the most if only you remain mine forever.
But every thing flourishes for a season not necessarily for a very good reason.
And in due time I realized I was being extremely delusional. I was coveting – love, friends, attention, and fame – what was not mine and feeling terribly insecure.
Kelly Minter addresses this question in her blog:
We get angry or jealous about someone else’s party, the attention they’re receiving that maybe we should be receiving. We compare things for things, “She shouldn’t have gotten that, when I’ve done all this.” Or “Why is he getting the promotion when I’ve done all the work?” Why the nicer home, bigger family, better spouse, elaborate vacation? We focus on the monetary and material—why the ring, the calf, the robe? For him? For her? Are you kidding me?
And then the father brings us back in five words, “You are always with me.”
Kelly takes the reference from the Bible, specifically Luke 15. She writes: The story is told in verses 15:11-32, culminating with the father’s response to the oldest son who’s understandably frustrated, even angry that a party has been thrown celebrating his younger brother’s return — the brother who, by the way, had squandered the inheritance on foolish, even tawdry, living.
I felt like that older brother, though I had done nothing to deserve anything in return. The same goes for my friends, I don’t own them, and therefore, it was foolish for me to expect them to behave in a certain manner. Though I now find my behaviour hilarious, at that point of time, it felt righteous. And I can’t help but feel lucky that I am no longer that person any more – insecure, petty, jealous freak. And even though some streaks remain, I know it’s not that hard to overcome what nearly destroyed me last time.
The father was reaching out to the older son’s heart when he said “you are always with me”, because absolutely nothing on this earth, nothing, no. thing. trumps relationship with God. (Kelly Minter)
“My son,” the father said, “You are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.”