For some, it’s the fog, this impregnable mist, or even words inside their heads that only they can seem to make sense of. It’s like living the life of an artist where your life-long work might just be perceived as random and weird by someone else.
For others, its the free fall into darkness; one they have been preparing for all their lives, preparing like a hardworking student. You study, you learn and you think you have mastered it; but once out there, the weight of reality finally awakens the deafening realisation that you are slipping, slowly and silently. With nothing to hold on to at that moment, you find yourself sucked in an abyss, screaming out loud with the only language you can communicate with — the language of tears, which lets the sorrow bleed out and gives you comfort but only for a moment. How you wish you could cry forever if that’s what it takes to feel alive ever again.
The darkness remains that’s because it never really left. This free fall can be very lonely and the answer to this one question that will end this slow-moving pain seems to take a lifetime to come: “How long? How long must I wait?”
Ever come across a person who envied the dead because living has become so very painful? Ever come across a person who finds it difficult to take another breath without being choked with tears?
It’s not who they are; it’s the mist, this fog, this dirty muddy water they find it difficult to trudge through and the darkness which they can’t seem to get out of.
You try to remember what you learnt in the class, one that you drilled in your head to rescue you during the rainy times. Guess what? Try to remember them now for the floodgates have opened and you are pretty likely to drown if you don’t hold on, if you don’t remember what you learnt by rote: When you enter his presence with praise, he enters your circumstances with power.
You feel like you are 10-feet under the earth, but look around, everything is alive and living. And you are made to be with them; not locked up with the twisted lies. You might be down, but you are not dead. (Danny Gokey)
And the fall into the darkness won’t break overnight, just like you didn’t learn everything you were ever taught in your class, in a day. It’ll take time; but the darkness will leave you on the condition that you want it to leave you. Don’t let it linger, it’s not your friend and never can be.
Hold on to what you memorised and while you are caught in the darkness, open your eyes wide and keep seeking, the light will break through it. Keep seeking, keep searching; happiness was never served to anyone on a silver platter. It’s a reward after a hard-fought battle and it’s time you fight to win yours.