It’s the thought that counts… And to tell you the truth, it really does. You might be extremely happy for a friend who is successful at what she does, but your insides might be rotting with envy. You could be scared about what’s going to happen next, but what people see is your calm “Buddha like trance” state. You might tell a person that it no longer matters that the past is in the past, but you hold on; oblivious to the one who has apologised numerously, you hold on to the bitterness and hate. It’s a vicious see-saw that you can’t help but get on and once you do, no matter how hard you try, you are forced to go along with it, up-and-down.
Geminis, it’s said that they are two-faced. They carry with themselves two masks — they can be sad and happy; peaceful and frustrated; depressed and chirpy at the same time. I don’t believe in horoscopes, but it’s this one quality about my clan that I can’t help but nod in affirmation. We are true-faced, but always two-faced. It’s definitely not a compliment, but that’s how I feel many of us (Geminis) are wired.
It was a perfect day, and I was on the perfect way to get to this perfect place. It was not heaven, but on this particular day, it felt like that. I was bathed in the day light, the trees were whispering secrets from when Adam and Eve walked the Earth, the wind played with my hair like a newborn baby with its first toy and the crunch-crunch of my feet on the gravel made me wish that if I was ever given a chance to leave this Earth, this would be it for at that moment I was utterly at peace.
But within couple of hours, the peace packed its bags and left me, like a reckless lover no longer in love; and in its place came envy. It’s been years, I thought I was over the hate, I thought I had moved on. But, of course, I hadn’t. I pretended to move on; pretended it didn’t care, pretended I didn’t feel “rejected; the one who is always left out, the one no one ever really wanted” any more.
Sometimes I wonder how other Geminis deal with this constant see-saw of emotions. Are they ashamed of what they sometimes feel or think? Do they feel guilty for not being honest when they have a chance? Do they feel tired of wearing these masks? And most importantly, do they feel scared that if people come to know who they truly are, they will be ostracized?
It’s the thought that really counts and here’s one for you, imperfect Geminis, one that helps me not fall over the ledge, one that I keep going to when nothing else makes sense:
“I loved you at your darkest.” (Romans 5:8)
This is the only thought that should matter that I hope you take home with you, that you make it into a shield when the forces of the darkness far greater attack. I hope you are then reminded of who you really are.