Curiously fearful

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Worry gets along with very few, but the ones with which it does is rarely let off the hook. It’s my 63rd day in a year and it’s already a challenge keeping up with the changes that threaten to outnumber the stars in the sky.

As I prepare to let go of a place I had not just worked, but gave five years of life to… I am overcome with emotions that threaten to derail my sanity. Skipping down the road with a spring in its step is worry holding hands with its buddy, fear.

a) What now?
b) What am I going to do?
c) Did I make the wrong decision?

I remember a conversation I had with a friend who had quit the same job long before me. “What’s difficult getting used to is how slow the time passes by. At work, everything was a whiz. So to get used to a schedule where I could keep a tab on every second was disconcerting to begin with.”

As I strike the dates on the calendar until I don’t have to anymore, I feel like I am crossing the intersection with a blindfold. It’s frightening to move ahead in life when one doesn’t have a definite plan of action, every act can seem fearful and suicidial. And that’s perhaps why I am devouring what Ruth had to go through.

The anticipation of the destination is far more delightful that sailing through stormy, treacherous waters. As I hold my breath and get ready to dive in, I am holding on to the picture of what I’ll see when it’s all over.

And I am letting go of the urge to control.

Control robs us of curiosity and puts a ceiling on our allowance of God’s possibility in our lives. Because after all, you can’t be curious about something you control. (Logan Wolfram)

And the dive into the deep unknown will be worth it.


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